Life is a prison. So is this house.

What’s up, friends?

There’s no sugarcoating today’s home. It literally used to be a prison. Heck, the inside still looks like a prison, and it probably even smells like one too. 

Does it have your typical home decor? Yeah, but y’know what people say about  “putting lipstick on a pig?” Well, this is that, but it’s a “chandelier in a prison.”

Built in 1914, this former jailhouse of the Ozarks has been (loosely) transformed into a 2.5k sq. foot, 3-bed, 2-bath, single family home. With views of the Arkansas River, this property has packed-in over 100 years of history -and by “history” I mean, murderers, robbers, and maybe the occasional embezzler of “money into multiple offshore accounts.” 

Step inside this half-a-million dollar ($550k) home to a surprisingly quaint entryway. These original limestone walls add natural red and yellow specs to the environment.

Close by, the foyer… is a bit dingy -this furniture feels a bit haphazardly thrown into the space. There seems to be a bit of overcompensation with the upholstered chairs, decorative plates, and wine fridge… but I wonder why? 

Oh yeah, it’s because, behind an original jail cell door is the living room of this house:

If this was “new age Cave Home living,” then I’d say that this space did the best with what it was given! But it’s not. They literally just screwed in a few chandeliers, a deer head, and a rug to act like this space is homey. 

All the amenities of a contemporary kitchen are present here: large fridge, exhaust hood over the double oven, an island breakfast bar, and copper pants hanging on the wall -reminiscent of Medieval Times.

Your guests can use the combination washcloset-bathroom-shower to tidy themselves up. I can’t bring myself to comment on that shower because I’m scared to even be in here right now.

Wanna act like you’re the warden of this prison? This corner office has so much natural light, it almost makes you forget the probable horrors the jailhouse admin covered up.

Heading upstairs, we get the blessing to going up there terrifying staircases…

“Cozy” is the word I would use to describe this primary bedroom. It’s not much space, but it reminds me of the creative ways people maximize every inch of a tiny, NYC studio apartment.

Some people call the bathroom a “throne,” but, here, it’s a cell. Literally.

Hear me out… besides the abhorrent open-concept shower… I don’t hate this. There’s high ceilings with large windows, a primary color of white with accents of brown and gold… not too bad. But that shower is really bad.

For the second time, a random animal head has been nailed to the wall of this place. Maybe it’s a niche Arkansas decor that I’m unaware of.

Other than the primary bedroom, these secondary bedrooms feel a bit more like the cells found at those “luxury” jails that celebrities go to. It’s like, yes, there’s a bed and a corner window, but the walls are slightly deteriorating.

Through some of those windows, there’s a balcony that overlooks train tracks that run along the Arkansas River. It’s a striking view.

Outside, you get to enjoy that view in this beautiful backyard that stretches along the shoreline.

From this angle, it looks like an unassuming concrete home. There’s even rooftop access to see the battlement (roof trim) up close.

I have a feeling that the skylight hatch was a more recent addition to the home…

Because, if the operating jailhouse had a hatch in the roof, all you’d need is to strap a rope around the roof trim, and shimmy on down to freedom. And, luckily, I feel that freedom now that I don’t have to be in that cursed home any longer.

Sarah @Hometastrophes