The House of (Literal) Blues

What’s up, friends?

Apparently, Papa Smurf won the lottery so he built himself a Houston home that fits all of Smurf Village inside.

Truthfully, don’t let the blocky blues fool you! Built in 2023, this 8-bed, 9.5-bath property sits on over 1.7 acres of land. Inside this over 10,000 sq. ft. home, there’s luxury galore -but the golden crest hints at the subtle tackiness that undermines it all.

Nothing says a “grand entrance” like this one. Besides the huge twin staircases, flooring, and metalwork around the doors, the small details of this space are adorned beautifully. 

Check out the modern -but also golden- chandelier right above it!

Although the architecture and craftsmanship (e.g. marblework, tiling, woodwork, etc.) are impressive, the first hint to me that the previous owners aren’t too artistic themselves is the identical “The David” canvases that frame the front door.

Somehow the owners managed to add artwork that actively diminishes the space's appeal, luxury, and artistry. Yes, that sculpture is gorgeous… but I’m looking at a cheaply printed photograph of the marvel. Not the marble itself.

Keep these larger details in mind as we explore this home because the small details are covered -it’s the larger additions that stick out.

For example, in the primary living room: it’s mostly a vacant space with nice high ceilings… but why the continuation of The David, and WHY are there blue baseboards and ceiling moulding?  It looks like the painter forgot to remove their tape! I can’t get how awful it looks. 

It’s the same story in the kitchen: modern, sleek cabinetry with a grand island for entertaining… and the ugly blue lines! They even put it around a nice waiting… why?!

Honesty time: I don’t even want to discuss the dining room. My feelings are too strong -in a mean way. So, instead, I’ll just leave you the image to conjure your own thoughts. 

A good way to summarize this home would be: simple colors with a lack of artistic depth that’s all hidden amongst opulent craftsmanship. But maybe those are just my feelings.

In the primary bedroom, the gold accents are amplified to gold furnishing -some of which look like they came out of Beauty and the Beast (re: the peacock clock).

Attached to the bedroom, the en-suite bathroom is very well done. The sky blue tiling and wrap-around shower are some nice touches -all ruined by poorly-paired modern cabinetry. 

For the other 7 bedrooms-and-bathrooms, I’ve decided to my favorite offenses: optical illusion wallpaper, cheaply printed-on shower curtains and tiling, and a framed, enlarged one hundred dollar bill next to a portrait of (what I’m calling) a business lion.

As we move from room to room, take a moment to admire the blue lines, gold accents, and curved walls that follow us. Plus, we can take the elevator.

At first glance, this looks like a long extra hangout space. But it’s not? Maybe? Because there’s also a few beds against the wall.

Many of these spaces and bedrooms even have their own balconies that have been floored with… fake grass?

Don’t get me wrong, (for the most part) in photos, the turf looks good! But in person… nope.

Outside, in theory, the turf looks better… but why would they not just keep with the nice stonework that they have around the pool?

Speaking of the pool, it’s phenomenal: a smooth stone walk-in, a waterfall, a slide, and a jacuzzi.

For such a large home and spacious backyard, it’s odd how they crammed all of the outside amenities into one corner.

From the looks of things (i.e. the patch of dead grass right next to the home), maybe there used to be a garden, another building, or an outdoor structure in the yard. But without that present, it all just looks like wasted potential.

Luckily, though, there is potential in this home. I mean, for the most part, it’s gorgeous! They just need to hone in on the details -then it’ll be the positively blue paradise that it’s destined to be. 

See you next week,

Sarah @Homes.tastrophes