Treat your Valentine like royalty 👑

What’s up, friends?

It’s that week in February… where love is in the air… and Valentine’s Day is right around the corner! 

And what is there to do on this fine holiday? Well, treat your loved-ones like the Kings, Queens, and Royalty that they are in today’s home -sorry, castle of Portland, OR.

Built in 2019, this $5.6 million dollar estate is packed with 10 bedrooms, 12 bathrooms, 13-thousand sqft., and 68 acres of land. Quite frankly, it’s MASSIVE. 

And since there’s a lot to see, let’s get right inside!

Through the front doors is a delight for the eyes. It has a fusion of contemporary with medieval royalty. From only one step into this house, we get views into the glass elevator, local metalwork, French limestone floors, antique doors shipped from Morocco and Germany.

Oh, and this greeting also includes a peek into the wine cellar -with a bottle capacity of 1,000 bottles. 

I mean… if they have a bottle they don’t like, I’d be more than happy to help take it off their hands. 

You’re not finding this kitchen in the 1600s, but you are in 2026. There’s a wood-fired pizza oven, marble countertops, commercial grade fridge/freezer, copper sinks, two dishwashers, a range stovetop with a custom hood, walk-in “butler’s” pantry, and a partridge in a pear tree. 

While that might’ve blown you away, the primary bedroom will ground your expectations, brutally:

To get our hopes back up, I think we should take a lap around the house… to the circular spaces scattered throughout: 

We find ourselves in this domed room with a unique 360-degree chair in the center. Is the chair for sitting with people without having to look at them? Or is it just a space with nice acoustics for your private violinist to rehearse before the dinner serenade? 

Although these bedrooms share a layout and flooring, their aesthetics have different origins: a secluded 1800s manor, a European villa, and a 9 y/o girl’s bedroom in 1972.

So this house also has a 4-room, attached guesthouse with its own separate entrance. And despite it sitting on SIXTY EIGHT acres of land, the builders decided to just make two homes into one, instead of making multiple buildings? They own 68 acres of grass? No crops. No garden. Just grass.  

The rich and wealthy confuse me sometimes.

It’s evident this part of the home either ran out of money or was updated in the not-so-timeless early 2000s. The paint. The wood. It’s sleek, but it’s boring and lacks the character of the rest of the home. 

One thing that’s stayed consistent between the “homes” is its lackluster bedroom decor. 

Luckily for us, we no longer must look at this part of the home -instead, let’s look at these barren living spaces:

Now that we’ve accepted the lack of communal spaces inside the home, let’s bask in the bountiful entertainment space outside: 

Decks on decks on deck! There’s a deck on the rooftop, through a hemisphere window. There’s an auburn-tiled deck with a water feature and painted doors. There’s even a deck with darker contemporary features. Unfortunately, it’s only nice outside in Oregon for about half of the year.

Despite its many flaws, there's no denying that this property’s exterior is beautiful.

I will give the builders a bit of Grace for their ambitious attempt at unique design. But, given the properties many questionable choices, it’s absolutely a homestastrophe. Happy Valentine’s Day!

Sarah @Hometastrophes